United States Bans Coconuts

Pineapples Could Be Next...

US bans coconuts

THE U.S. FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION (FDA) announced yesterday that coconuts are to be prohibited from being imported into the US as of October 20th 2007, and raised a Category 3 alert issuing a countrywide recall on cococuts currently on retailers’ shelves. It is expected that other first world countries will follow the US’s lead in banning coconuts.
Major retailer Wal-Mart has already taken coconuts off their shelves in response to the alert, and announced that it would be encouraging any recent coconut buyers to return coconuts to any of their stores for a full 25% refund.

In the bid to remove illegal coconuts from the country, the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) has also started cutting down palm trees in the Florida Keys. These will be humanely destroyed in a third would country where regulations permit workers to handle dangerous substances without protective clothing.

We spoke to Bob Dope of the DEA (US Drug Enforcement Administration) about the announcement and the reasons behind it.

Dope: “The Attorney General wanted to classify coconuts as a class 3 drug under the Controlled Substances Act (CSA). But I advised him that if we did that, it would encourage the trafficking of coconuts illegally across the border. Then we’d be up to the eyeballs with illegal aliens acting as drug mules, smuggling coconuts in to pay for their passage. You can imagine how easy it would be to hide a couple of coconuts.”

“So coconuts are officially dangerous?”

Dope: “Yes, certainly. The CSA regulates five classes of drugs: narcotics, depressants, stimulants, hallucinogens, and anabolic steroids. Coconuts are capable of producing dependence, both physical and psychological, and they can be abused to alter mood, thought, and feeling through their actions on the central nervous system. The extent to which a coconut is reliably capable of producing a euphoric condition increases the likelihood of that coconut being abused.”

“And how would people do that?”

Dope: “It is possible to inhale coconuts, especially when mixed with tobacco. We just don’t want our kids experimenting with them. Coconuts are baaad!”


We next asked Bob Grope from the FDA about the reasons behind the announcement.

Grope: “We’ve recently noticed a disturbing new trend, particularly amongst people on vacation or just trying to enjoy themselves. “

Grope: “Since Cuba Libres were invented in 1765 by Christopher Columbus, people have been mixing rum and coke to make an enjoyable and profitable drink. But disturbingly, some people are being misled into missing out the coke and instead mixing the rum with coconut water. This is causing all sorts of problems, many of which I can’t go into for reasons I can’t discuss.”

“Pina coladas are also off the menu. We’re looking into getting pineapples banned too for similarly associated contractually non-disclosable reasons. How many times have you heard somebody say, ‘I’ll just have one more Pina Colada’? The major beverage companies have promised they will have an FDA approved pineapple replacement drink by January.”

“We would advise consumers to only drink manufactured products, as we can control exactly what is put in them and give them an official FDA seal of approval. We can’t do that with coconuts, so you can see the danger.”

“We’ve had a lot of problems from the pro-coconut lobbyists. They’ve been insidiously influencing our kids for years now. We’re asking major corporations of conscience such as Philip Morris, Shell, McDonalds, Nike, Wal-Mart, Pepsi-Cola and Coca-Cola to band together and educate Americans about the potential damage from consumers imbibing natural products such as coconuts. Only buy from big corporations with large, unnavigatable, multi-lingual websites. That way you can be sure that you are getting the best products in the world. I know Philip Morris has been doing a lot of good work encouraging kids not to smoke. We need to do the same thing with coconuts.”


We spoke to Bob Morley, Chief Executive of Coca-Cola about their planned campaign to educate school-kids about the risks involved with coconuts.

“What would you say is the main worry with coconuts?”

Morley: “The problem is, that we don’t know exactly what’s in them.”

Morley: “People are misled into referring to parts of the coconut in incorrect ways. Coconut milk is not milk – it does not come from a breast. Coconut water is not water – it doesn’t come from a tap. A coconut is not even a nut – monkeys don’t like ‘em. And try putting coconut oil in your car engine!”

Morley: “The liquid in a coconut is actually Chlordiazetenin-tropoxide-enedextro-prolopoxy-phenelol in part, which is addictive and causes the release of endorphins into your bloodstream. The other part of the liquid, scientists don’t know much about – and that where the problem lies. Scientists can’t yet one-hundred percent rule out coconuts as a cause for lung cancer. So you can see the danger.”

Morley: “The Government feels, and I agree, that it’s much better for our children’s’ health if they drink products that we have made in a controlled environment owned by responsible shareholder citizens who can correctly allocate resources to assist party political campaigns.”

“You mean like Coke?”

Morley: “Well yes. Coke is good for kids. We know exactly what is in it. We just won’t tell you.”

Morley: “And drinking Coke ensures work for hard-working men and women at the bottle plants. It puts food on their tables, and on their family’s tables, and on their grand-parents’ tables. It means kids can go to school and get educated. It gives them the strength and vitality to run around inbetween lessons, and even during the lessons. If too many kids drink coconut water, we’ll all end up a nation of overweight mindless zombies!”

“Ah, I see your point.”

Morley: “For all we know, coconuts could have been created by a vicious alien nation, intent on world domination.”

“Why would they do that?”

Morley: “Just think about it. They could be filling the coconuts with tiny amounts of mind-altering substances. The more coconuts we eat, the more receptive we will be when they invade and take over our country.”

Morley: “Then what will stop them from creating huge experimentation labs, on U.S. soil, and using our bodies and brains to experiment on to satiate their sick whims.”

Morley: “And besides, coconuts are full of artery clogging saturated fat. What are we doing to our kids by allowing them to eat or drink the stuff? I know I certainly wouldn’t let my kids touch a coconut.”

“And what would be the message you would be looking to promote to kids?” we asked.

Morley: “Well, Philip Morris had a lot of success with their “Don't Wipe Out. Think. Don't Smoke.” slogan featuring a snowboarder. I think they’ve reduced teenager smoking by nearly 0.32% in just 8 years.”

“We’ll be spending $100 million over the next few months sending out leaflets with a picture of Britney Spears and the wording, “Don’t be a Coconut Dope. Think Coke. Just do it!”

Other slogans we’re considering are ‘Coconuts - Finger lickin' bad.’

"The future's bright. The future's coconut uncontaminated."

“Coconuts – We’re not luvin’ it!”

"Coke refreshes the parts other coconuts cannot reach."

“Don’t die of coconuts.”

“Coconuts – Inhaling may seriously damage your health.”

We spoke to Bob Gonzales of the Dominican Farmers Association about the effect the announcement would have on Dominican farmers.

“Yes, we’re very worried. Across the Dominican Republic we have millions of acres of prime coconut plantations. In one fell swoop a major export market has disappeared.”

“We’re looking at what to do with the expected huge excess of coconuts currently in production. We’ve got our top universities and scientists looking into the options right now.”

“I think one thing President Fernandez is expected to push for is an artificial snowboard and ski resort in Puerto Plata, using desiccated coconut for the artificial snow.”

“In fact, desiccated coconut has many potential uses, kitty litter, newsprint, toothpaste enhancer, bleach substitute, pillow stuffing, muffin strengthening, tile bashing, finger slapping, beef whacking, brick laying, celebrity bashing, car production and as a cement additive.”

“We’re also asking for a ban on importing American brands such as Frito Lay, BMW and Daihatsu, but it’s probably more effective to just increase the customs’ autonomy and allow them to charge whatever import duties they feel are fair for each person. That will make ‘em think twice about banning our coconuts.”

At the time of writing, the Dominican Ambassador was in Washington discussing the coconut debacle with President Bush.

If we hear any new developments, we’ll be bringing them to you. Meanwhile, in the words of George Orwell, “Four legs good, no legs bad!” Stay off them coconuts!

Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional, and all events and people depicted within are the product of a warped imagination. Please do not call us asking if the story is true. It isn’t. This should be obvious, but just in case you are still unsure – it really isn’t true, honest!!!