Santa Caught In Coke Scandal

Millions may miss Xmas...

Santa Caught in Coke Scandal

Coca-Cola announced yesterday that the traditional red and white Santa outfit will be outlawed by 2009 if St Nick refuses to lose weight and wear the new slim fit design costumes being marketed by Coke. Coke chiefs feel the outdated “fat Santa” no longer fits in with the new healthy image Coke is trying to portray. Recently Coca-Cola has begun to sell a new "healthy soda" Diet Coke with Vitamins B6, B52, Magnesium, NH3 and Zinc Substrate, marketed as "Diet Coke PlusX™".
Sources close to the big man say Santa has been fond of Coke for over 50 years and is very unhappy to hear they are threatening to pull their sponsorship.

Santa Coke

Santa - At it again.

“Without the money Coco-Cola provide,” says Rudolf, “Many children will not receive the gifts they have asked for.”
Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, who himself has been the center of many drinking scandals since admitting his red nose is in fact down to imbibing too much alcohol, was reported to say, “I don’t care! Let them pull the plug! We’ve still got Santa Libre! I mean come on, SANTA LIBRE seems far more appropriate and once you’ve had a few who cares!”

Rudolf Reindeer

Rudolf - Showing his age.

“I spend my whole life devoted to the richly unrewarding task of lugging credit-card financed un-enjoyables around with the help of my colleagues and our off-road NWD* sleigh. What will happen to the poor retailers?”
The dispute dates back to the 1930s with Coca-Cola’s winter advertising campaigns depicting Santa Clause in red and white garments. Since then coke has used Santa in many marketing campaigns associating cola and Christmas in the hearts and minds of most households.

Michael Rintin-Tin, marketing spokesperson for Coca-Cola refuted the claims that commercialism is ruining Xmas. “We are not trying to strong arm the big man, we just feel in present market conditions and with the obesity problems facing our children it would be irresponsible to condone Santa’s unhealthy lifestyle. If Santa could at least make an effort with his weight by perhaps using our new healthier brands we could start negotiations again. We are not stealing Xmas and in fact we think it should become an annual event.”

The beverage conglomerate has opened the tender to its other brands. Sprite lemonade was quick to jump on the sleigh by offering 50% of the required sponsorship if Santa was to wear their sprite costume which is green and white.
However, the EU (elf union) feels this will further confuse the public. “I’m sick of people calling us Dwarfs and the last thing we want is to be associated with Sprites. Sprites are evil little cretins that live in hell. We are Elves and proud of the fact we have been Santa’s little helpers for generations.”

The move by Sprite to alleviate the problem has spurred other beverage giants to come up with bright ideas for 2009.
Brugal is said to be interested in a possible partnership with Sprite but it’s been suggested that they would require the Brugal logo on both the sleigh and any future Xmas promotions.

However, international driving associations have slammed suggestions of using alcoholic beverages because they feel it could encourage Drunk Sleigh Riding. “It’s bad enough with the Xmas drink driving problems we have now. Imagine giant flying sleighs out of control with boozed up drivers and eight reindeer running rampage.”

Santa Sleigh

Santa - in happier days.

Whatever the outcome, many onlookers are calling for the magic to be put back into Xmas.

The magic was taken from Xmas when the Orlando Magic basketball team bought it from Santa for an estimated US$15 million in 1933.

Orlando Magic

Orlando Magic Team - Bought Xmas's magic in 1933

According to sources close to Santa, he originally signed the deal with Coca-Cola because he believed the magic ingredients in the beverage helped him do his job in just one night. However when Coca-Cola stopped using the magic powder it seems nobody was performing to their usual standards. Mrs. Claus put her two cents in when she was quoted saying, “Caffeine is not enough man, we need magic! We have one of the highest profile media roles in the world and with that comes a lot of pressure.”

Mrs. Claus was recently spotted leaving a Harley Street clinic and ranted to reporters “Whoever takes Coca-Cola’s place in 2009 better give us what we need. We gotta’ get it. I need to get that Coca-Cola feelin’.”

Beverage historian, Doctor Pepper was keen to provide some background to the story. He told us that the beverage was named Coca-Cola because, originally the stimulant mixed in the beverage was coca leaves from South America, from which the drug cocaine is derived. Apparently, the company has since removed this ingredient.

This is not the first time Coca Cola has threatened to diversify its Xmas campaign. Top executives at the corporation have for years worried about the implications of condoning an old fat bloke creeping into children’s bedrooms at night.
“It’s nothing short of a time bomb!” exclaimed Marketing Director, Minse Pyes in the CCTV recording we stole of their last board meeting.

Once mince pies were blamed for Santa’s obesity but recent studies have shown that the calorific value of cola far exceeds a mince pie or even an oven-full of mince pies. Children used to leave milk out for Santa, but a lactose intolerance meant Santa once again returned to the popular fizzy drink.

It is not the first time Santa has had to change his lifestyle to keep popular with the public. In the 1800’s Santa was much shorter, gnome like and smoked a pipe. Obviously, this had to change when public opinion dictated that it wasn’t cool to be short and gnome like.

On the Christmas of 1862, during the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln specifically asked Santa to visit the Union soldiers. Thomas Nast created a fur-trimmed suit adorned with Stars and Stripes for Santa to wear as he brought a little joy to the soldiers who fought to protect the unity of America. Many historians say that seeing him side with the North was one of the most demoralizing moments for the Confederate army.

Advertising gurus are now suggesting that PepsiCo could leverage a massive advantage if they can get the big guy on their side.

Santa hit back this week saying, “Coca-Cola cannot stop me doing what I’ve done for 400 years. They can pull finance but any suggestion that they lay claim to my outfit is ridiculous. In fact, I was wearing red originally when I was Saint Nicholas, the bishop of Myra in Lycia. As for my personal health issues I think Coke should realize that I’ve been around for a thousand years or more so whether I drink Coke Regular, Sprite or Brugal is my concern.”

The debate carries on in court next week but one thing is for sure, Santa is flexible and is not afraid of change. Expect to see a new wardrobe soon.

New Look Sexy Santa

Artist's impression of new look Santa.

Disclaimer. This story is not true and any resemblance to characters, events or companies is purely coincidental.

*NWD – No Wheel Drive Vehicle