Trump Buys US$56 Billion Plot in Sosua

New Development Planned

LOCAL REALTOR Max Dout of Sosua based Max Dout Real Estate, yesterday announced the successful sale of a plot of wooded land in an area known locally as Sosua Hills. The buyer has not been confirmed but is rumoured to be Donald Trump the well-known US real-estate mogul and Apprentice TV star.

Donald Trump
Max did confirm that the price the land achieved was something of a shock, albeit a pleasant one.

“I’d originally priced the 500m2 plot at what I thought was a fair market valuation of US$17,500,” he told us.

“We hadn’t had any interest in this particular plot as it had no view, no facilities and no access road. But last week some guy came on the phone saying he wanted to buy it immediately. We forwarded the relevant paperwork and the money transfer details. Then I forgot about it until I was notified by my bank manager a couple of days later that US$56 billion was sitting in my account. It was actually nearly 1800 billion in pesos, which is quite a lot. Thinking about it, I the plot was priced in pesos on my website, which was about RD$560,000. Maybe he took that as US$ and added a few zeros,but hey, who’s counting?”

Our roving reporter tried to contact Mr Trump in New York, but was turned away from his downtown penthouse by security. Thankfully, the first class flight, hotel bills and travel expenses only amounted to US$17,000, and our reporter was able to catch a Broadway show so the initial disappointment was alleviated.

What did Max think Mr Trump would do with the land?

“I hear that he’s planning a resort with a casino, but he’ll need to buy some neighboring plots as well if he serious about it. Hey, I didn’t confirm it was Donald who’s buying it.”

We asked some other realtors in the area if they thought that Trump’s purchase would affect the price of other plots in the area, perhaps causing a dramatic surge?

“Yes I can see a possible drop when residents hear who’s moving in,” said Tom Key Hote, proprietor of Tom Key Realty.

“But that can only be good, as real-estate is much easier to sell when it’s ridiculously cheap.”

Jane Waldorf had a different take on the situation. “I think it will be great. He’s such a nice man, and I live in Sosua so I could pop round to see him.”

Our reporter didn’t have the heart to tell Jane that Mr Trump was planning a casino development and wasn’t planning to live there.

Local opinion on Mr Trump is mixed. Fredrico Martinez who owns the local colmado where I buy my beer suggested that he has a neighbour that might be interested in selling his land to Mr Trump as well.

Another local, Rodrigues Ambar, partner in Rodrigues Ambar, Ambar & Amber indicated he’d seen Mr Trump in Sosua on several occasions before.

“I’m pretty sure it was Trump“, he stated. “But a lot of these gringos look pretty similar to me.”

Ramon Pascueles from Ramon’s Rent-a-Car said that he’d rented a corolla and a moto to Mr Trump late last year.

“When he brought the car back, it was a mess!” he added. “It had dents and scratches. I think he’s too aggressive to drive around here. I won’t be renting my car out to him again.”

We asked Ramon if he’d seen Mr Trump’s driving license and could he confirm it was actually Mr Trump he’d rented the car to.

“Yes, most definitely, it was him. Actually I may still have the license. I sometimes forget to give them back.”

We asked Max if this was the biggest sale he’d made this year.

“Not really”, he replied. “I recently sold Haiti to a Californian guy called Schwarzenegger.”

Mr Dout excused himself at this point as he had to sort out a little issue with the ATM machine swallowing his card while he was trying to withdraw the $56 billion.

Note: If anyone in the Sosua area spots Donald Trump, we’ll be happy to hear from them. Our office will pay for quality photos of Mr Trump if taken in Sosua, on a Wednesday, with a Nikon 350 SLR.

Disclaimer: All persons and events in this story are fictional.