Dominican Space Rocket Launch Set for April 30th

More Astronauts Required...

In an announcement yesterday, Lieutenant Jose Luis Perez, head of the Dominican Space Program, outlined the date for the inaugural launch of the Dominican Republic’s first mission into space. The announcement caught many by surprise including NASA and other international space agencies who as yet are unavailable for comment.

Dominican Space Launch
Lieutenant Perez was happy to elaborate further on the Dominican Government’s original secrecy over the launch plans and the reasons for funding the space shuttle dubbed ‘El Pollo Picante’. The names of the astronauts for this mission have not yet been confirmed, as it is hoped that more viable candidates will be found over the next couple of weeks. No experience is required, although preference will be given to candidates who can stand upside down for long periods of time.

Our intrepid reporter was told that the Dominican Government has had a long and successful history in space exploration, and they were in fact advisors to the original moon landing team in 1969. Allegedly, Dominican engineers were chosen to provide support for the lunar rangers that piloted famous astronauts such as Neil Armstring and Buzz Lightwear, and it was actually a Dominican chicken who was the first living thing to walk on the moon. Although the official word from NASA is that no-one has walked on the moon since 1972, we were reliably informed that both Japan and Spain have set up permanent moon bases recently and are eagerly looking to colonise and tame what was originally thought to be a desolate wilderness. Apparently, the moon is extremely rich in rare minerals and the Dominican government realises the potential in operating an intergalactic space station, providing new jobs and opening up much needed real-estate for colmados, car-washes and alien experimentation labs. The PERD (Programa Espacio de la República Dominicana) is not a well publicised agency and until now has been relatively unknown. But that is now changing as PERD hopes to recruit many new Dominican astronauts for what they expect will be the next space race.

We were able to interview one of the astronauts, Paco Gonzales and asked him how he would cope with the long periods of forced inactivity while in the space capsule. His answer was confused but sounded like “¡No Problema! Haré cualquier cosa para mi país.” Unfortunately our reporter doesn’t speak Spanglish, so he had to terminate the interview.

There was some concern as to when the astronauts would be expected back on Earth, but Lieutenant Perez was keen to allay concerns with mucho reassurance regarding their safety. The main point he was keen to make was ‘manana’, which we believe means ‘very soon’.

We took the opportunity to mention to Lieutenant Perez that April 30th was Labour Day, a national holiday, and ask if that was likely to cause a problem with the launch?

“No problemo,” he expressed. “We’ll bring the launch forward a day, and then by the time the astronauts realise they’re working on a holiday, there won’t be much they can do about it!”

We were also keen to find out how the Government was able to fund such an expensive program. Lieutenant Perez acknowledged that whilst the country is not rich and cannot afford to waste money, space travel was not that expensive anymore. PERD were able to source some left over rocket parts from previous space missions, re-program the intergalactic mileage circuitry, and replace worn out parts with Corolla spares. Apparently, Brugal 151 not only provides the main ingredient for the rocket fuel, but the recycled bottles were useful in providing the hard, heat resistant surface for the nose cone.

Lieutenant Perez has expressed interest in recruiting yet more astronauts, so for any readers out there who fancy the opportunity feel free to contact Gringo Times through our website, and we’ll forward your details to him.

Note: This story is really not true, not any of it. All persons mentioned are fictional and are not based on real people.